Unlike Any Other

I'm not going to pretend I understand anything. I mostly know that I just don't. I know that when I look at a person or situation I am only capable of seeing them from my own perspective. I can happily impose what I believe that they are on to them as I make notes, but the reality is that I just don't know what they are feeling. I don't know where they come from, I don't know the tally of their life experience. Life isn't that simple. No matter how much I wish it could be. I can long for things my whole life, but I can't force anyone to be anything that they are not. I can believe in right and wrong but there is no way for me to enforce others to follow my standards. For that matter, there isn't really any way for me to know that my moral compass isn't completely off in the first place.

I know what I believe in... for now. I know what I feel. I wish I could show people my point of view. I wish I could share my feelings, my heart, so that people could understand what it all means to me.

There is sometimes such a desperation inside of me that seems like it is just going to shatter me from the inside. It's like my instinctual self just knows how to be, but my imposed self is struggling with allowing for those things to happen. I want to understand what it means to feel free to be myself. However, I don't want to disenfranchise myself based on the strength of my emotions. I know they can be off putting. I am very aware that I am capable of, what some might deem, an overbearing affection. I do it out of fear you know. The fear of losing these people that are so precious to me. I hold on too tight sometimes... and I think it is mostly because I am authentically scared that they will walk away... and that I will lose them. And they mean too much, have been too great a piece of my life, for me to just give up.

I gave up my dad. Because I was afraid of who he was. Because I was afraid of who he wasn't. And sometimes I regret it. Because by giving him up so early, he exists as this idea... and no matter how hard I try, the reality of the man will never be there. I never saw it, so all I have is the looming nature of vague memories from a too short relationship marred by bitter unhappiness.