Married

He asked me to marry him. Time and again. A joke that, let me just tell you, gets less funny with each proposal. It isn't that he isn't amazing. He truly is the most authentic person I know, and makes no apologies for it. But he doesn't mean it, and I'm good with that, but I don't want to hear the words unless there is meaning behind them. I love him, but not in the way I would need to if I was going to commit to a lifetime. He's always there, which is why I think he jokes with me about it. Because I don't think either one of us knows what to expect out of life if the other isn't available for those always necessary balance checks. He's a force in my life. He's always there. He isn't my true love.

I love weddings. I love what they represent. I think forever love is inexplicable and yet essential. My grandparents have it. And while I don't doubt that there have been ups and downs, when I see them together, when they are just living the life that they built, it is easy to see that they love each other. Fifty plus years later. I think it is as plain as that. If love can be described as plain. No. Love is not plain.

There is something about the notion of love that fixates people. Me included. Sometimes love is like the Tooth Fairy or Santa. It is this enigmatic concept that I can't quite make myself stop believing in, although I'm not sure I will known it. Again... or maybe in the first place. But then I see it. I see it in other people, my friends, my parents, my grandparents. And I know that there is a reason that people can't stop fixating on it.

Have I ever been in love? Maybe. There have been times when I felt as though something special was starting with someone I cared for. The thing is, believing in love means that I have to also be willing to feel heartbreak. That concept is one that I don't have to analyze. And thinking about that experience, heartbreak, reminds me that there is really no question that I have been in love. But now that I am not there anymore, in love, I am sure that love is something that doesn't go away. It stays with me, in some form or another. That is the thing that amazes me most about love. It is an energy, so it never dies, it just sort of shifts.

And so, like the fools that have gone before me, I fixate. Potentially having just written nothing new. But hey, I do what I want, right?? I will fall again I suppose. Requited or un, the feeling is pretty much worth it. Not so much with heartbreak. I could do without that for a while. Seems like that part is really easy to remember... or just hard to forget. I would be just fine forgetting that part. (Not really though, even that broken feeling has serious merit.)