Rehab...
Do you ever wonder what makes it work for some people and not for others? Do you think that some people are predisposed to addictive behaviors? Do you think that there is a certain kind of person who is better able to cope with all that addiction entails? I know that my dad failed at rehab several times... (I just typed has and then had to delete it... the change of tense is so weird, I wonder how long it will really take for me to adjust. It's already been several months, but I am not sure it will all be real until I go to where he is, where he will always be.)... I wonder if, as he came closer to the end, he ever felt as though his life had been wasted. Not that I would have him change things... because those are wasted thoughts and I have life, as do my two half sisters, because of the choices he made. But really, the whole thing is so infuriating sometimes. Why in the world would you give up your whole life so you could drink? I mean why wasn't he stronger? Why wasn't he braver or more effectual as a human being? I know it sounds judgmental, but it just makes me feel like I come from this weak loser of a man. How do you look up to your father when you can’t respect him? How do you love someone… how do you stop hating someone… when it is eating you up on the inside? Is that my addiction… I mean maybe addiction manifests itself in me in my inability to forgive him. Forgive most people their transgressions. Not for him, but for myself. I feel like it will only be beneficial to let go of the resentment, rage, and feelings of abandonment. And there are days when I feel like I am there, but then I hear a story or see someone do something that reminds me so much of what he did and it is all I can do to stop myself from just losing it. I need to maintain these feelings because it keeps me aware of what life can deal out. But by maintaining these feelings, by allowing them to reside inside my mind, I really wonder if I am missing what life can give.
I often wonder if I am too concerned with the motives of others to truly allow them to show me who they are. More often than not, unless someone has really managed to stand the test of time, I assume that people in general are going to fail me. Think about it, most people operate out of a sense of self preservation. It isn’t something I begrudge. It is just something that I have to guard against, because there has been an overwhelming amount of loss in my life, even before he died. It’s been a lot. And no, I have not experienced the kind of pain that so many have. I know this. It try to maintain that perspective, but I won’t lie, feelings are sort of a relatively based deal. I’m at a broken nose… whereas there are people who deal with the full body cast… I get that. I’m not trying to whine. I just need to know that there are people who feel and care first… and worry about themselves as a secondary point. It takes a lot, and I don’t claim to be there for everyone I meet, but to those I love, well I hope they have no doubts about what they mean and what I would do for them. I’m still learning, but I hope that the people that come first to me know exactly where they stand.
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