Windows

Tremble
And lie
And Fear
That it's all falling to pieces
That I'm falling
To pieces
Pick it all up
And start
Again
For the first time.
Not looking at a woman I know
But it's strange to see
My face
With the mix of my parents features
And not being afraid
That the stranger in my mirror
That girl who feared failure
That girl who feared the unknown
In fear and mistrust
Of becoming the worst
Of that man I didn't know

But my heart
And his failures
Don't have to be the same
My grief has taught me
To stop lying to myself
To my friends
To the people who love me the most.

Smile stranger
Start to know
Why she smiles
What makes the tears fall
Look at her and fight
Any impulse to fear
The unknown.

Tremble
And face it
Whatever comes
And if she falls
I'll pick myself up
Start again.

Fear but never fall
Rely, on me
But on others too.
Be a strength for myself
And for the people I love.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Thanks for finally letting me see.

A year...

It's been a year. A year today, well yesterday, but I can't sleep. I spent most of today thinking about what life has brought my way in the past year. I've thought over the things I have accomplished and the things I still long for. I wonder if, as my father lived his final days, there was anything he regretted. I wonder what it was like for my sisters to see him go. To be with him in his last months, days, breaths. I was watching the TV show House tonight and there was a man dying... a man who had not seen his daughter in years. In his last moments he called her and left a message on her machine. All the message said was that he loved her. Without trying to sound cheesy, it was kind of like watching a wish come true... for someone else. I dream about being able to have that moment with my father. In the year that passed since I found out, well I have thought about him every day. It's the same as it was before he died, except now it is really setting in that there won't be the opportunity to say anything. Goodbye or otherwise.

So here is what I have wanted to say to him, since I was fifteen years old:

Dear Dave,

I miss you. I miss knowing what it is like to have a dad. I miss the thought that there is someone out there who loves me, even though he's too weak to reach out and tell me that. I wanted more time. I wanted to be able to trust in you, to have faith in you, to let you show me the world. As my friends move into their adult lives, I find myself questioning my worth. Questioning my ability to maintain a real relationship and it's because I don't know how to trust in the kind of unfailing love that I should have learned from my dad. You won't give me away to the man of my dreams. We won't dance to a predictably sappy country song while I wear a beautiful white dress and shoes that are far too uncomfortable, but so pretty that I won't care. You'll never know my babies... and I won't be able to tell you about them because I'm losing what little I have of you to time and a fear that I will turn out just like you if I hold on too hard. I have the same wave to my hair that you did... that awful wave in my bangs that I look at in the mirror and think... that's Dave hair. It's the only thing I remember about you... well maybe not the only thing. But I miss you. I miss the smell of your gray t-shirt as we hugged goodbye... that combo of cigarette and dad. I miss feeling safe. In that time before I saw you, really saw you. Why did you have to break my heart? Why are you still breaking it every single day? Why is it so hard to forget you? Why is it so hard to hate you? I can't you know. Hate you. As much as I want to and as easy as it would make things, I can't stop loving you because for all that our relationship wasn't, you will always be my dad. I try to remember you taking me fishing and letting me speak freely about my feelings. I try not to remember how much you hurt my feelings by choosing to fall prey to your own weakness. I try not to think about how I can see some of those weaknesses in myself. When will it get easier? When will I feel like all this love that I have for a person who breaks my heart finally seem like it is really worth it. Is there some line that we will cross. Ever? Even though you are gone and we won't have our face to face moment... or even a phone moment... do you know how much you changed my life? In good ways and in bad ways. I wish you had said goodbye. I wish you had said you were sorry. I'm sorry that things ended as they did. No matter what happened and no matter where I am, I know I will always have that feeling. That pull of sadness inside. I want to learn how to live with it... that feeling. So it doesn't hurt so much when I focus in on it. I will always hold you accountable for the pain you have caused. I will always keep that fear and pain inside. But there is also a part of me that will always remember my daddy. I just want you to know that. I need you to know that.

I love you,
B

~If you have ever wondered what it means to really say a forever goodbye... it's horrible. It hurts more that anything else. Like a piece of my forever is tied up in that long gone moment. So I breathe and another bit of life moves on... always moving on.