There is nothing sadder to me than the thought of leaving this world with regret. To spend your days living as someone you don't respect. Living as someone so entirely outside of yourself that you imprison that person you are meant to be on the inside... in some dark corner of yourself until you stifle all that she is and she slowly withers to be that creepy alien thing that comes out of that guys stomach at the end of Spaceballs... sure it will dance and sing a jaunty show tune, but it's gross... and you're dead once it escapes. And where is the fun in that? But really, in a more focused way, what does it say about your self esteem? Nothing good. Do I really hate myself that much? And if not, if I look inside and like the woman that is hiding in there, then why am I locking her so deeply away.
Dance I say! Speak, sing paint, draw, look, listen, yell, cry, walk, crawl. Love. Forgive. Feel. I will no longer stand inside myself. No longer do the dance of the self loathing American member of mediocrity building up my 401K so that I can retire with a house full of crap I don't use. I moved myself 2,000 miles, once again to bury myself back in that decaying pile of secretarial misery with a government name boost???? I don't think so. I want to love who I am enough to be able to enjoy the choices that I have made and the life I am living. Who cares if the world doesn't think that I am making the right choices... actually, most of the world isn't even thinking about my choices, or me at all, so why do I spend so much time thinking about them? I think that my greatest failure is wallowing in the fear that I am not living up to other people. I just want to know that I am capable of having what other people have you know?? That I will be able to find a healthy place in my own head so that I can allow someone to love me without feeling like they are going to disappear. I want to live. Love. Let go of the baggage and travel a bit lighter.
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