I'm so tangled

Father's day is coming soon. Slowly it is approaching. Radio commercials and television ads keep telling me the same thing over and over again. "You don't have a father anymore," they whisper to me.... like a subliminal message. I'm not writing for pity, it's just that the feeling is so weird. When he was an absent father he was still my dad, just a crappy one. Now he is a man I barely knew who was my father, but who really didn't ever see the happy end of a hallmark card. You know? It's stressful, this self indulgent sorrow. The jealousy I carry around for people who don't have to think about this stuff. I push it away, I do, but it creeps back. Every single time. I don't want to feel this way. But then again, I have felt this way pretty much since I was a kid. Okay, so this next part is hard to say and it is rather embarrassing, but that is sort of what this place is for me. A place to be the most honest I can, no matter what right? Well, if your father doesn't love you. If he doesn't love himself and half of him is you... me, then who will love me? I mean, and I'm saying it poorly, that I find it hard to believe that anyone could love me. At least all of me, not just pieces, based on the notion that I find it very hard to love the half of myself that comes from him. And I'm not simple, so I know that comes across to other people. I am scared. That I will always feel that emptiness. It is truly terrifying to be that person. With the missing piece. It feels like a kind of defect. A forever flaw. I hope that it doesn't last forever. It makes me feel sad.